


just leave me your stardust to remember you by

by fullmetallizard



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: F/M, this is ridiculously sad tbh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-20
Updated: 2016-04-20
Packaged: 2018-06-03 09:39:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,866
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6605857
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fullmetallizard/pseuds/fullmetallizard
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>She wasn’t sure how long it had been since she’d gotten the news. She wasn’t sure how her lungs managed to keep breathing in a world that didn’t have him in it. <br/>She wasn’t really sure of anything.<i></i></i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	just leave me your stardust to remember you by

**Author's Note:**

> I very much do not own FMA.

“Riza.”

She shook her head against the echoing sound of her name. If not for the fact that she could feel that she was pulling air in and out of her lungs, Riza could have sworn she was underwater. Her hearing was muffled and her vision hazy. The pressure in her chest threatened to crush her.

She wasn’t quite sure how long she’d been sitting stiff as a board on her couch, staring at the muted beige of her carpet. She wasn’t sure how long it had been since she’d gotten the news. She wasn’t sure how her lungs managed to keep breathing in a world that didn’t have him in it.

She wasn’t really sure of anything.

“Riza!” The voice was more forceful this time, causing Riza to cast her swimming gaze up to the source.

Rebecca stood in front of her with Jean just a few steps behind. Becca had worry etched all over her face and she had one hand extended near Riza’s arm as if she wanted to touch her but pulled back last minute.

_“Riza,”_ Becca’s dark eyes were filled with tears. “Please answer me.”

She hadn’t spoken since she’d hung up her phone after the phone call he’d initiated. She was scared to speak, to break the spell. She wanted him to be the last person who heard her voice. That was always the plan. It was supposed to be the two of them together, righting wrongs and clumsily, wholeheartedly loving each other along the way.

She didn’t know how much time had passed since she heard the words “hemorrhage” and “cardiac arrest” but it felt like an eternity; an eternity of being frozen in shock and terror all the while sitting on her small couch and stroking the well-worn fabric of a T-shirt he’d used when he slept over at her place.

“Come on, Riza. Say something,” Rebecca pleaded, finally deciding to touch her. She rubbed Riza’s back gently and the soothing gesture pulled her somewhat out of her stupor.

“Becca,” was all she could think to say. It was quiet and somewhat mangled, but it was something.

Becca sighed heavily, her body visibly loosening with relief. “Can I get you anything? Water? Are you hungry?”

“No,” Riza said quickly, shaking her head. Her gut twisted violently at even the thought of food.

“Hawk, why didn’t you answer your phone?” Havoc asked, fingers twitching to the pack of cigarettes she knew he kept in his left pocket. “We were worried sick.”

“I didn’t hear it,” she said honestly. She looked out the window, noting the sun was starting to come up. “What time is it?” She winced at the sound of her voice and wished for nothing more than to be back in the watery silence she’d been cocooned in.

“It’s five in the morning,” Becca said, sitting beside her and laying her head on Riza’s shoulder.

“Where are your guns?” Jean asked.

She felt her brow furrow. “Pardon?”

“Your guns,” he choked out. It was now Riza noticed that his eyes were rimmed red and the tip of his nose was rubbed pink. He’d been crying.

_He lost him too_ , her brain pointed out.

“Where are they?” He asked again.

“Why?” She asked, pulling the soft grey T-shirt close to her chest.

“If you think I’m letting you have any access to a firearm after losing him you must be out of your mind. Where are they?”

“Don’t you trust me?” She asked softly.

Havoc sighed and sank to his knees in front of her. He put a hand on her Becca-free shoulder. “Not with this, Riza,” he said, voice low and terribly, terribly sad. “Not with this.”

She wanted to argue but she had absolutely no energy left inside of her. “There’s on in my night stand, one in the silverware drawer, and one in the table by the door.”

He gave her shoulder a squeeze and went to retrieve them. Becca turned to her. “Why don’t you come stay with us?”

Riza shook her head. “I just…want to sleep.” She couldn’t stand being conscious in a world where this was her reality.

“Do you want us to stay?” Becca rubbed her arm.

“No, you’re pregnant and tired. You should get some rest in your own bed.” Her voice sounded flat even to her, empty and robotic. She could see the worry on Rebecca’s face and felt guilty for it but she wanted to be alone. She really wanted to be with him but that clearly wasn’t an option anymore. “I just want to go to bed.”

“Let me tuck you in, okay? And I’ll come over in the morning.”

“I’m going to work tomorrow.”

Becca frowned. “No,” she said. “You aren’t.”

She didn’t bother putting up a fight, opting to nod instead.

Rebecca pulled the blanket up to her chin and kissed her cheek. “I love you, Riza. We’ll get you through this.”

She wasn’t sure that was a possibility but she nodded and closed her eyes, tucking the T-shirt under her cheek, breathing in the smell of him.

She wanted to cry but choked the tears back, finally falling into a fitful sleep once Hayate curled against her chest. She welcomed the blackness that surrounded her.

She woke up gasping, her back ablaze. She put a hand on her chest, trying to calm her breathing.

Once she was a little more awake, she became aware of the smell of coffee and the sound of dishes clinking in her kitchen. She walked out and sat at her small, square table. Rebecca gave a small smile and placed a mug in front of her, planting a small kiss on her forehead.

“Madam Christmas called,” she told her, sitting down across from her. “She wants you at the bar. Do you…do you think you can handle that?”

Riza took a sip of her coffee, ignoring the sharp pain on her tongue from the scalding liquid. “Of course I can.”

“Riza…you have to understand how worried I am about you.”

She sighed and rubbed her tired eyes. “I don’t want you to worry.”

“You loved him,” Rebecca said. “You could never hide it from me. You loved him before I even met you. And I know you feel lost without him. I know you’re in so much pain. But…you also have to know that I love you. I love you very much. And Jean loves you. Kain, Heymans, Vato…we all love you. And we need you here with us.”

Riza took another gulp of coffee to try to loosen the knot in her throat. “I’m…I’m trying. That’s the best I can do for right now.”

Becca smiled sadly. “I’ll take it.”

“I’m going to take a shower and get ready.”

“I’ll clean the kitchen but then I have to go to a doctor’s appointment for the baby.”

Riza nodded.

“Can I…can I stay with you tonight? The funerals tomorrow, you know. I don’t want you to spend the night alone.”

Riza was shocked to find that a sigh of relief left her body. “Please. I’d…I’d really like that.”

Too soon, Riza found herself at the door of the bar he’d spent his childhood in. She knew he used to do homework in the back room where his sisters got ready for shifts. Once he told her that he used to sneak books out of the library because he was only technically allowed to check out two at a time.

The thought of a tiny, messy haired boy reading stolen texts meant for people way beyond his age brought a small smile to her lips. It made her raw heart just a little less sore.

She opened the door, wincing at the cheerful bells that announced her arrival.      

Riza waved at Chris and then sat at the bar, trying to ignore the fact that all of his sisters had red-rimmed eyes and runny noses. She felt out of place…she’d never been at Madam Christmas’s bar without him beside her.

“How are you holding up?” Chris asked, voice a bit gruffer than usual but otherwise, she seemed to be put together.

Riza wasn’t sure how to answer, but she felt the beginnings of tears prickling in her eyes. She shut the urge down as quickly as she could manage.

“It wasn’t…it wasn’t supposed to be like this. I was supposed to protect him always.”

“Riza,” Chris said sternly. “He’s the one who tried to break up a bar fight and got shot.” Riza flinched but Chris kept going. “You have no responsibility in this. No one would have suspected he would have been in danger having a drink after work.”

Her throat was tight and she didn’t trust herself to speak. It hurt to hear the details laid out so bluntly. It hurt to be sitting where he grew up when he couldn’t be there.

Riza wrapped an arm around herself to keep herself together because everything _hurt._

“I know, honey. I loved him too,” Chris said gently. “He was a good son to me.”

If she closed her eyes, she could almost see him blushing at the praise.

“I’ve never been without him. Not since I was a little girl,” she admitted. She was scared of how alone she felt.

“You will heal from this,” Chris told her, placing her hand on Riza’s. “It’ll take a long time and it will be painful as all hell but one day you’ll wake up and be able to breathe again.”

She squeezed her eyes shut, willing the burn of tears away once more.

“You’ll be at the funeral tomorrow, right?” Riza asked, shocked by how small her voice sounded.

“I’ll sit next to you. You are absolutely not alone no matter what you’re feeling right now.”

Riza nodded, standing to leave.

“And Riza?”

“Yes?”

“He loved you. He was in love with you and everyone here knew how proud he was to have you at his back.”

She swallowed past the lump in her throat and nodded.

She walked home feeling like her chest was gaping wide open. Everything was blurry around her and she felt pain flowing as freely as blood through her veins. It was all she could do to keep herself upright.

The fog in her mind remained through Rebecca forcing her to eat dinner. She tried to bring herself to ask about the doctor’s appointment, to ask about _anything_ but she could barely breathe.

She almost cried once Becca’s breathing evened out beside her in the bed. She wasn’t sure why she wouldn’t let the tears out, the jagged edges of her heart let her know this was real. But she wanted to keep it together, she wanted to stay strong even though it felt like the Earth she’d trusted to hold her up was crumbling beneath her feet.

She woke with a start once again and turned to look at Becca asleep next to her. She was curled around her belly like a snail, arms guarding the new life blooming inside of her.

Riza felt stuck but somehow the world kept turning.

She dressed in her uniform slowly, almost chuckling at how he reacted whenever he saw her in the skirt. She would give anything to have him tease her about it, to have to give him stern glares to make him stop staring at her legs in public.

She woke Rebecca who left for her house soon after to get ready for the funeral and check on Jean. “I spoke to Winry,” Becca said, giving her a hard hug before walking out to her car. “She wants to pick you up. I told her that would be fine.”

Riza nodded and straightened her uniform skirt, trying to breathe through the pain that threatened to choke her.

She sat with a mug of coffee that she had no intention of drinking until she heard a horn sound outside. She abandoned the drink that had long grown cold in the sink before going out to the car.

“Hi, Riza,” Winry said softly after she’d closed the door of the backseat.

“Hello, Winry. Edward.”

She looked to the man she still thought of as a boy in her heart. Ed gripped the steering wheel so hard his knuckles were white. She could tell from his reflection in the rearview mirror that his jaw was clenched.

They were silent on the ride to the cemetery.

The service was short, no more flare than the usual military funeral. As promised, Chris sat beside Riza, her arm around her shoulders. The weight pressing against her back was the only thing that kept her from sinking to the floor.

It started to rain. Of course it was rain the day of his funeral.  

Once the gunshots ceased, Riza looked over at Ed and Winry and nearly fainted.

Ed was sobbing so hard he was nearly choking. Winry was holding him up the best he could. Riza’s heart ached as she watched Ed cover his face with his hands and weep.

The crowd thinned out and Ed walked over to the grave that now housed the love of her life’s body.

She watched as Ed put a small pile of cens on the dirt. “Here you go, you bastard,” Ed said softly. “You didn’t keep your promise…but you did a lot of good. Thank you for everything.”

He walked back to Winry who buried her head in his chest. “Let’s go get out of the rain,” she said in a soothing tone. “Are you ready, Riza?” She asked.

“I’m actually going to stay. I’ll get a cab home.”

Winry looked unsure but finally nodded, sensing that she needed some time to be alone.

She stood completely still at the foot of his grave as the last of the people there shuffled around her to get back to their cars. Furey squeezed her hand as he passed and she was grateful for it.

Soon she was alone and she sat down beside the fresh mound of dirt that was slowly turning into mud from the light drizzle. She put her hand on it, running her fingers lightly through the soil, toying with the coins Ed had left for him.

Suddenly, she couldn’t handle it anymore. The loss was sharp as a knife in her chest and she missed him in a way that she was sure would ache for the rest of her lie. The dam inside of her finally burst and tears started streaming down her cheeks, mixing with the rain. She was too exhausted to attempt composure. She didn’t fight the sobs that ripped from her chest.

“ _Roy_ ,” she choked out. “You damned idiot. Leaving me behind wasn’t part of the deal.”

In her wildest dreams, she never imagined that he would go first. She never thought she’d have to figure out a life that wasn’t devoted to his.

“I want to follow you,” she cried, pushing some of her rain soaked hair behind her ear. “But I know you wouldn’t want that. And it would destroy the team. I won’t do that to them. We’re a family, after all.”

Riza pushed her fingers further into the dirt. “I want you back,” she whispered. “But we know the Truth. Better than anyone.”

She took a deep breath. “You would have made this country better. But I guess that’s my mission now.” She couldn’t follow him anymore, but she could follow the path he’d laid out. And she was determined to do that for him.

She thought of all the promises he left behind. It wasn’t his fault but it didn’t do anything to lessen the sting.

She sat for a while longer, the quiet deafening. The only sounds were her shaky breathing and the rain hitting the grass softly around her. She cried herself dry and then stood.

“I will miss you every day of my life. I can’t wait until I’m with you again. I promised you I would. Even into hell. Just…wait for me.”

She took a breath to steady herself and pictured Roy. She pictured the grinning, gangly teenager she fell in love with. She pictured the tired soldier who clung to his dreams of something better to get himself through the hell he was helping create. She pictured him on the Promised Day, broken down but not defeated. Even in his darkness, he’d wielded the brightest fires she’d ever seen.

“I regret all the times I never told you I loved you. But…you knew. You always knew. I love you, Roy. You were my best friend. I’m grateful I got to be with you as long as I was. You are the best of my life.”

She stared at the silent grave for just a moment more before turning to figure out her life from then on.

Her heart was heavy but she knew she could make him proud. He might have been gone, but she would continue to live for him; she would keep his memory alive and make his dreams a reality.

She could almost see Roy smiling and, for now, that was enough.       


End file.
